Setting Boundaries
"Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices.” --Gerard Manley Hopkins
It’s finally starting to feel like fall here in the Northeast, and we are on the precipice of a holiday season in which the decision to hold family gatherings will be, depending on vaccination and health status, less impacted by Covid-19. Many people are looking forward to connecting with family and re-establishing long-held plans and traditions they may have forgone last year in the name of safety. The pressure to make the holidays matter may feel even greater this year because of what was missed last year. But for others, the holiday season can be complicated and painful, and fraught with unrealistic expectations of shared special moments and indelible memories. They may feel somewhat sheepish about acknowledging that they didn’t mind sitting it out last season and are starting to feel overwhelmed by the assumption that their previous holiday plans will be resumed.
If any of what I’ve described here resonates with you, I’m here to tell you that you CAN make different choices and set personal boundaries during this time. Here are some thoughts to consider:
You are not obligated to spend time with any family members who do not accept and love you as you are, or devalue, degrade, belittle, and hurt you. Even during the holidays. Even if it’s what you’ve always done.
You are allowed to embark on your own traditions. You may have a partner, young kids, a group of close friends or family of choice that you would like to prioritize spending time with this season, which may mean reimagining how you’ve traditionally celebrated. I encourage you to consider what the holidays would look like if you focused on the activities that you and your close circle find most meaningful. Would the holidays be more relaxed and fun, maybe less stressful? Would you choose to do less?
If your anticipated holiday plans deviate from what you’ve always done or what you feel you are expected to do (and who you feel you are expected to spend time with), start communicating about those changes now. It may feel scary, but having these discussions now will unburden you and prepare your family members for what to expect (or not expect). They may express disappointment, but if they meet the criteria set forth in point #1 and love and accept you as you are, they will likely ultimately support your choices and your relationship will endure.
The holidays are not the only time to create special memories. There is an immense amount of pressure to make this time matter and spend quality time with family and loved ones. Yet, many people I speak with during this time acknowledge that gatherings and activities are often so large and at times chaotic that they leave feeling they haven’t had significant conversations with anyone. If you are nodding your head as you read this, consider how this could be different. If, for example, you are traveling to four or even just two different houses on Thanksgiving, consider whether you can propose celebrating with some friends or family members during another day or another month even. For years my family celebrated Thanksgiving the Saturday after, and our “Friendsgiving” is whatever month works best for all of our schedules. This alleviates stress and allows us to be present with each other when we do gather.
Prioritize your mental health. If you find this season to be particularly challenging or painful, please know you are not alone. While there is an often manufactured sense that this “should” be the most wonderful time of the year, for many it is a time of year to be endured, as it is associated with trauma and loss, grief, and complicated family dynamics. Spend some time thinking now about what you need to stay healthy heading into the holidays. This may include spending time with the people you find to be most supportive (including a mental health professional if applicable), engaging in the activities you find most fulfilling, and creating and communicating boundaries that allow you to have “downtime” or alone time to regroup and recharge when needed.
